If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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