i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
