I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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