I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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