You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The best revenge is premature balding
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
