im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
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I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
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Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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