We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
