Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
