I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
