Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
