just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
