I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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