my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
