God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
