dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
