Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
