Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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