sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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