I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
