For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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