i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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