All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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