No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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