why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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