I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
