So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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