After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
