Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
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Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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