When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
