I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
