Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person