his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
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Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
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I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.