You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.