Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.