She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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