Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
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Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
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we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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