if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
