He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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