He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
