anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
