guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
you never un-have a 4some
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
