I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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