i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
