Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
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Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
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He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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