LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
