he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
