i need an iv and a liver transplant
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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