I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
