You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
