Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He kissed a someone with a penis
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
