I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
