Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
