Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
