mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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