i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
