anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
