All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
