Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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