I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
