Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
